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Sidi's Marriages Frequently Sometimes Resulted in Unlikely Combinations |
SIDI'S TROUBLING HISTORY OF MARRYING TOTAL STRANGERS
The Palestinian Guide Sidi Al-Jamal conducted dozens, if not HUNDREDS, of spontaneous 'Spiritual Marriages' among his unmarried followers during the 40-year length of his mission to the West.
These took place both in Palestine, where he originated, and throughout the United States where he travelled and taught extensively for the last 20 years of his life.
After he retired from his court duties and following the relatively early death of his loving and most agreeable wife, Hurriya, Sidi took it upon himself to visit both his own sons and his fuqara members in Western Countries, predominantly America, and especially in northern Californa where he established a zawiya or 'corner' for Sufi hosteling, study, and practice.
He would also travel to visit various of his own local groups. who might put him up for a matter of several weeks while he gave talks either at the sponsor's home or at a rented hall..
These ' Suddenly- Arainged Marriage' was not a feature of Islam in general nor Sufism in particular.
Though, as in many religious traditions and in many traditional cultures, 'arranged marriage' was indeed fully accepted as a practice which assured family support for the couple, and usually involved some limited period of courtship so the couple could get to know each other first.
Sidi's marriages were something different. Rarely were any parents or family present. There was seldom any advanced notice. It had a festive, carnival feeling about it.
There was ongoing, giddy speculation amongst the womenfolk about who Sidi might match with whom.
It was kind of like the children's game of 'spin-the-bottle'. Only you didn't just kiss the 'winner'. You married them for life.
Or else, you realized later that the basis on which you had agreed to marry a total stranger was faulty. Held together by only you and your new partner's hope that Sidi had actually HAD some 'Advanced Spiritual Criteria' for you marriage.
When in fact, given the high ratio of divorce amongst those marriages, the only conclusion which can be reached is that they were completely a coin toss. Random.
I was faced with the startling and uncomfortable option of marrying one of Sidi's students within a few days of meeting him. And her.
And when I hesitated, Sidi increased the pressure by insisting we take part in an unexpected, shockingly intimate Garden of Eden-styled sexual encounter. With him in the room as the Director.
And while such an experience, and the later fear of missing out on what I assumed was the 'Chance of a Lifetime' to become a practitioner of Sidi's advanced, 'modern' form of Sufism, led me to ultimately 'hurry up and marry' this person, it was a difficult pairing. And neither of us had had much prior success with long-term relationships.
Ultimately, we couldn't make the marriage work. And I couldn't find the spiritual support in Sidi's Teachings that my wife apparently did. I was too caught up in the drama he arranged around us to stop and think about what I was doing.
I can't deny the fact that, even at the time, it all seemed a little 'too much.'
But I was a spiritual seeker who had yet to find my path and I was getting nervous I never would. Sidi had seen my type before, I suppose. This was, after all, Jerusalem. The Holy City. Plenty of people came here hoping for a spiritual experience of some kind.
My wife, whom I will call Aisha, was already fiercely dedicated to Sidi and Sufism. She seemed to have a deep well of spiritual insight, or what I mistook for that, anyway.
Aisha seemed to need to believe she had 'already understood' everything there was to know about the underlying basis of Sidi's Sufism. She disputed nothing. She agreed with all of it.
What she did NOT do was personalize how her studies/practice had come to fruition and enabled her to live a better life. There was no 'before and after' story. It was the same with Sidi.
One could ask questions about oneself and they would give you personal answers. But neither of them would talk about themselves, or so it seemed to me.
We spent almost every summer at Sidi's house in Jerusalem. Which I enjoyed less and less over time. Although, there were compensations in terms of being auxiliary members of Sidi's family. And having the rich history and culture of Jerusalem at our doorstep.
To be honest, I felt spiritually, psychologtically, emotionally-- adrift. I wasn't moved to call Sidi with questions--spiritual or personal. Which Aisha engaged in whenever she had a decision to make.
She seemed to feel Sidi had the answer to every possible question--sacred or profane. Either that or he could ask God for them in a way neither of us could.
Although, as time went on, I noticed she usually would continue debating Sidi if she didn't like the suggestions he made. As I saw it, she ultimately got whatever she wanted. She used Sidi a rubber stamp her own decisions.
Meanwhile, I felt I had lost control of my life. Aisha had joined up with the Unconditional God of the Universe and His Spokesperson, Sidi al-Jamal, to have the final say on everything.
Ultimately, having given up on Sidi's help, and not feeling strong enough to boldly set forth on another spiritual/psychological course that might further complicate my relationship with Aisha, I ended up surrendering to and being overwhelmed by addictions.
It was a miserable, lonely life within a marriage which SHOULD have been the source and foundation of well-being, support, and love. Not only for me, but also for Aisha and my children.
Sadly, Aisha and I never took the step of seeking counselling or any form of outside help for our shaky alliance.
It's rather hard for me to imagine her doing that with me, as her psychology was fixated on Sidi and his Teachings. She was singularly focused on her own religiosity.
In the beginning, I thought I had found in Aisha an 'almost-Englightened' human being. Her focus on Allah was all-consuming. She was capable, for example, of leading long, overnight vigils or 'halwas' that involved saying various Islamic phrases, or just the Name of Allah, hundreds of times.
Her devotions were FAR in excess of anything I could ever accomplish. Hence, I accorded her a huge degree of respect. I assummed that she was ;further along' the Spiritual Path than I was.
It never occured to me that, in her case, the ceaseless devotion to God could end up being a form of emotional illness. A method she used to ESCAPE her personal karmas or challenges, rather than creatively confronting them.
I had always IMAGINED that a spiritual aspirant would manifest a loving demeanor that all would recognize. Aisha, on the other hand, seemed to have as many personal issues as anybody else. She was troubled with the marriage, which I couldn't blame her for being.
But what NEVER happenned was a shared, co-operative approach to marriage in any kind of modern, theraputic context. I believe Sidi had set the tone for it by indicating it was somehow magically chosen by God. Which left us, His Children, rather confused about what our roles were.
In fact, there was no 'special instructions' about how to maintain a marriage in a Sufi context. At least, there were none I encountered.
In any case, Aisha ultimately divorced me anyway in 1995.
Sidi could tell stories for hours. He could definitely hold an audience. He charmed even my skeptical parents. Here's a site with some of his informal talks. https://sufiuniversity.org/sidi-mohammed-video-archive/
He actually looked a bit like an Old Testament prophet--with a wide red beard and an air of stoic command and spiritual intensity.
In America, he found willing lieutenants (see 'A Tale of Two Sidis'), to help publicize and monetize his appearances while promoting their own side-ventures. Ultimately, Sidi was able to attract 100's of disciples in America during the late 1990s and early 2000s.He preached an informal, folksy, and often humorous gospel of 'The Peace and The Love' and coaxed Westerners to adopt Islamic names, dress, and practices, including animal sacrifices.
What distinguished his teaching was the formerly unheard-of 'Sudden Spiritual Marriage' process that he invariably pursued with his single disciples.
As time went on, at least in my perception, he de-emphasized advanced and elite Sufi states of cultivation and seemed more interested in evangelizing the West with the more approachable, external, popular side of the Islamic/Sufi dyad -Islam itself.
When I met Sidi in 1979 in Jerusalem, he was exceedingly quick to initiate me as his murid (disciple)-- even though I had only arrived at his zawiya (residential study center) a few days earlier, and was myself perilously close to full-blown alcoholism.
(It's funny, though. The very act of taking 'initiation' DOES make one feel different. And included with it came a new, Arabic 'spiritual name'.
It's an exhilarating moment. Suddenly, one is in a wonderland of new possibilities!
Gone are the worries about one's prior deficiencies. One feels transported to a new dimension of 'spacetime' where one's past is forgotten and one's future is still unwritten and VAST!
I certainly can credit Sheikh Jamal for manifesting a highly dramatic Initiatory experience, in my case.
However, I also believe that, at least in terms of historical examples of Sufi initiations, Sidi's pace was notoriously rushed.
I had hardly begun to even accept Islam as my basic spiritual practice, much less understood the incredibly abstract and complex Sufi Cosmology and Practices--upon which Sufi-influenced philosophers had expounded in the Islamic Centers of Learning, such as Alexandria and Cairo for centuries.
Whilst my own forebearers lived short, brutish, and nasty lives in the shadow of the long-gone Roman Empire...before Western Civilization re-emerged from its Dark Ages.
Few of my spiritually inclined contemporaries in America felt drawn to Sufism to the same extent as we were to Hinduism and Buddhism. I had already experienced full-time living in both a Hindu and Buddhist contexts.
While not exactly accepting or rejecting either of those, I had an underlying belief in the idea that somehow, "All Paths Lead to God".
It should have been my first clue that 'all was not right' in the state of Sidi's Order. Instead, I allowed myself to be swept up in the dramatic elements of the present moment.
I was enjoying a stay in a simple, hospitable Arabian millieau -- and one super-charged with The Spiritual by virtue of its location at the epi-center of 3 major Abrahamic religions. My host was a Spiritual Giant, or so I thought--as equally comfortable in traditional Islam as a judge in the Islamic Court as he was a nightly expounder of an intimate, interior and very PERSONAL relationship with the Divine.
A relationship I LONGED to have for myself, and had already extended myself towards several times. Although, I had, in each of those earlier paths, been somewhat disappointed.
I had, at that point, little attraction to either Sufism or Islam. Though I had studied Islamic history for a couple of quarters and taken a year of Arabic in college, such 'qualifications' came more from an academic inclination to study one ancient religious tradition intensively than from a personal interest in Islam.
And Arabic seemed like an 'up and coming' language of the future.
But basically, it was a whim that didn't last longer than a year.
At that time, Sidi promoted the standard Sufi practicies of Thikr, or 'Remembrance', which was a standing, communal chanting of various Islamic words or phrases. Though usually the exclusive province of male Sufis, Sidi broadenend it, at least in Western social contexts, to include women.
In the early years, other Palestinian men would join Sidi in these Dhikrs--either in Sidi's home or in a room on the Dome of the Rock temple complex.
One year, Sidi invited me and other male Western disciples, to spend Laila-til-Qadir, the most sacred night in Islam, on the temple mount. The splendid, long evening was spent in prayers in the Mosque and Dhikrs in side-rooms.
I felt completely welcomed and 'invited' into Sidi's world. And completely proud to be affiliated with Sidi in terms of the respectful regard other Palestinian men seemed to have for him.
As time went on, and probably due to intensifying Israeli repression, it seemed the Palestinian element of Sidi's fuqara diminished substantially in size.
Until I met Sidi, I had been more inclined towards the mystical branches of Buddhism and Hinduism -- both of which I had actively practiced at some point.
But I went along with Sidi's Sudi 'initiation' mostly because of the powerful 'cinematic' quality of the situation -- here I was, at that moment, felt myself a rather a lonely, depressed, and alcoholic single guy shuffling thru life without much purpose.
Suddenly, I found myself a new and welcomed member of an international spiritual community on the Mount of Olives near Jerusalem, walking the hills and olive groves that Jesus did. Listening to the periodic braying of donkeys, as well as the majestic Calls to Prayer booming down the Biblical valleys five times per day.Within a short walk were all the attractions of the Holy Land itself--the Garden of Gethsemane, the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, the splendid Dome of the Rock, the Wailing Wall.
The environs seemed designed to promote remembrance of a time when God manifested on Earth thru his Prophets. And, especially for Christians, the Prophet/Savior Jesus.
Is it any wonder that I fell under the sway of an Islamic Imam who seemed cut in the mold of one of those Prophetic figures?
Moreover, he was always cordially attentive to all Westerners who came to him. He built people up with kind words and encouragements which seemed to come from a personal acquaintance with a severe, but ultimately Loving God.
He was clearly the Lord of his household, although his family treated him with loving, often almost comedic familiarity. His sons, of which he had 5, both respected and teased him--and the fact that he would often fall asleep in the middle of the evening's activities.
Though it was my impression that the Palestinian constituency of Sidi's Sufi disciples diminished over the course of several Intifadas and the re-Islamification in more puritanical terms which took place in Palestine in response.
Gone were the 'liberated' women I used to see 'shamelessly' going about their affairs in Western dresses. Back came the veils and full-length chadors--more or less as a political statement against rising Zionist expansion and violence.
In any case, a few days after my initiation, Sidi paired me off with a single Canadian mother who, with her daughter, was also studying in the zawiya.
His demand that we marry as totally unexpected as it was authoritative and demanding. And though I felt slightly guilty or ungrateful to say 'no' -- it just didn't feel appropriate to me.
Also, my soon-to-be-partner, whom I'll call here Aisha*, seemed hesitant as well.
What shocked me even more was what followed: Sidi Directs An 'Adam & Eve in the Garden' Re-enactmentAfter Aisha and I returned to our respective North American countries, we carried with us the question of whether we should follow thru with Sidi's commandment/suggestion that we marry.
Eventually, albeit without considerable uncertainty, we did.
And as a result, our lives were inevitably focused on Sidi/Islam/Sufism, although I still felt internally unconvinced about what my place was within the religion.
I was certainly far from comfortable asserting, as Sidi did, the superiority of Islam over other faith traditions. Rather, I clung to the idea that being a 'Sufi' allowed me to 'pass' on acceptance or rejection of 'outside' Islam.
Particularly concerning such issues as to whether Islam was the 'true religion' of mankind. As well as the issue of whether the Torah and/or the New Testament had been 'changed' where they expressed ideas not in accordance with the Koran--the actual death and Resurrection of Jesus being perhaps the most important of those.
I tended to validate the Western scholarly opinions which had dominated my limited study of Islam--rather than the pious Islam of Sidi and others; that Muhammad had the final say about everything, even though Muhammad was illiterate and had limited exposure to Christian and Jewish scriptures and ideas.
Increasingly, I began to notice that Sidi dropped his emphasis on the Sufi path and preached a more standard version of Islam to Americans, while also practicing a few Sufi rituals such as 'dhikr' once 'disciples' had taken his hand.
(This is confirmed in a eulogy Sheik wrote him--congratulating and thanking him for being one of the biggest proselytizers for Islam in America. It was ironic to me, as Nurideen Durkee was instrumental in the foundation of the Lama Foundation, which notably published the initial version of BE HERE NOW in 1970, by the beloved teacher Ram Dass). http://greenmountainschool.org/slides/in-memory-of-a-great-shaykh-in-memory-of-a-long-long-friendship/).
In fact, I don't recall very much back-and-forth between Sidi and myself on matters spiritual. He usually came down to the zawiya after coming home from work and having had dinner. It never occurred to me to ask specific questions. I just sort of 'basked' in Sidi's aura. THAT was the point, for me. And that is about as far as I really went with it. Other than reading mystical Sufi writers and doing dhikr with Aisha occasionally.
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Sidi Also Married an American Many Decades His Younger |
Sidi was always trying to marry off single newcomers to his sect almost immediately--as soon as someone of the opposite sex could be found. It became almost a rite of passage.
I was surprised one afternoon, sitting in a home in Marin County, to meet a young woman in Western attire who was introduced as Sidi's 'wife'.
At first, I thought it was a joke. She was very young-late 20's to early 30's. She looked intense, intellectual, and, to my sensibilities, VERY GAY!
I was told, later, that she liked Sidi and was sort of flattered by his attention to her. But she did not appear to be trying to be Sufi or Muslim. She certainly wasn't bothering to cover her head.
It looked more like she was a graduate student or Peace Corps volunteer in the middle of a experiential, experimental, multi-cultural living situation rather than anything resembling the usual new devotee--falling over themselves to try and get all the new cultural nuances right.
To his credit, Sidi evidently brought her back to the family complex in the Middle East and shared his bedroom with her there. I wonder what happened to her?
Although one pretext for the Spiritual Marriages in general was that the proposed partnership was part of the 'work' of honing one's ego by virtue of daily living with a marriage partner, in reality there was an expectation that this was one's 'soul mate'.
In my view, these were tools to keep the new partners focused on the one personality factor they DID share--that of being Sidi's disciples. It kept them dependent on HIM.
He was lampooned, even by some of his own family, for shamelessly foisting himself off on female Western disciples--although it should be said no named former disciple has been willing to come forward on this account.Returning to my own experience, I can absolutely testify that Sidi took the unusual step of encouraged me and his Canadian disciple 'Aisha' to marry just days after we'd met and, failing that, to have sex with each other in the same room as him. And that that sexual contact took place several nights in a row.
This was a breach of morality that had no parallel in Islam OR Sufism. At the time, we interpreted it as a kind of 'accelerated' spiritual teaching' that Sidi, with his presumed Higher Authority as a Sufi Guide of the Highest Degree was allowed to generate.
As time went on, and the fissures between Aisha and me grew and the hoped-for Spiritual Transformation based on our marriage did NOT take place, my suspicions grew that Sidi was operating more as a free-lance, rogue, and morally bankrupt human being than as a representative of any religious tradition.
Moreover, the person I married, at his recommendation, did so, I believe, not out of any special love for me but as an agent of Sidi's to assist in my transformation into an elevated, transformational Beloved for her with whom we would complete some ultimate Work with each other.
The false sense of intimacy with each other that Sidi created thru suddenly sexualizing our relationship was, upon later reflection, a brutal invasion of our individual psychologies.
I believe Sidi used the 'tool' of marriage to cement individuals as adherents to him and/or to Islam. It stands to reason that if two people that knew nothing about each other suddenly found themselves married off--then they would devote their time to the one characteristic they shared--membership in Sidi's fuqara.
Aisha initially chaffed at living an 'ordinary' married life with me in California. She was more comfortable with Sidi in Jerusalem than ANYWHERE in the West. I'm not sure she really wanted to marry me, or anybody. But as someone who was wildly committed to Sidi's way, she could hardly refuse him on this point.
Moreover, when she DID leave me, it was after Sidi had given initiation to a man named Ali, who later showed up in the house I shared with my Aisha under the guise of a mere 'follower', but who nonetheless surreptitiously advised and comforted my former wife as she divorced me and moved away with our two young children.
(I had my own troubles with fidelity, at the time, as well. We weren't very good at communicating as a couple. Rather, Aisha always referred EVERYTHING to Sidi. I'm not sure whether divorcing me was something he actually allowed her to do, or something he appeared to oppose in public but cared little about in private).
None of which Sidi seemed to care to forbid, despite my desperate pleadings, and despite his reputation as a 'Divorce Court Judge' famous for keeping marriages together, at least in Palestine. Sidi did not publicly demand that Ali stop 'dating' my wife.
It was a mystery to me why. Until I finally came to the conclusion that, by this point, Sidi had personally abandoned most of his Islamic scruples when it suited his other goals.
And, in the end, though it exactly as heavy toll on me, and I believe our mutual children as well, there was little point in continuing a marriage where one of us wanted ONLY to act as Sidi's publisher and promoter as the primary focus of her life. And, as I believe, in a cultic attachment to Sidi as a manifestation of God Himself.
Aisha preferred the certainty and superiority of her mostly-solitary (delusional?) spiritual life to the vagaries of human relationships. And, as the poverty of her choices of partners (myself, at the time we met, included), indicated, she was more interested in changing other people to fit the mold of her idealized, desired future companions than take on the risk of vulnerable, equal human relationships.
Sidi chose mainly to focus on a vague 'Universal Peace and Love' teaching. Along with donation-seeking, endorsing spurious 'energy healings', promoting pyramid schemes and marrying total strangers who had recently taken initiation with him.
IMHO, Sidi gave up whether moral authority he may have had as a judge in Islamic Palestine, and joined up in a well-worn tradition of American Miracle Cure Travelling Medicine Show.
Only this time, it wasn't 'Snake Oil' or 'Salvation' that was for sale. It was an Arabized cult of 'Peace and Love' that was driven by Sidi's personality, and the excitement of his presumed Spokesmanship for Allah, and the common adoption of Islamic accoutrement, especially dress.
In another case I personally was in the center of, Sidi collected 'zakat' (2.5% Wealth Tax) from a New Mexican couple. The tax, $10,000, appeared almost immediately to be transferred to one of Sidi's close relatives to buy an interest into a gas station in Northern California.
The couple found out about this and were incensed. Sidi apparently denied it--yet the money appeared. I happened to look up what the Shari'a law is on this question, and in NO CASE is this tax, which is to be intended for the 'poor' to be given to relatives of the collector.
Hence, here was an obvious case of Sidi's corruption.
Beyond that, he collected untold THOUSANDS of DOLLARS from his Western Disciples for various reasons and causes, many of them for 'widows and orphans' back home. Yet, to my knowledge, tax exempt status was never sought for any of these donations.
Or, indeed, was any written accounting of ANY of the money collected by Sidi given to any agency-American, Palestinian or other.
More likely, Sidi handed off most of the money collected to his relatives already established in the US. Perhaps with the rationale that they were 'the poor' and therefore worthy of the donations from wealthy Americans.
As he lay dying , Sidi required multiple days of care in the ICU of Marin General Hospital. I'm sure such care was well in the neighborhood of six figures. (I visited him personally there. Although he was comatose at that point0.
I'm quite sure none of his followers saw fit to pick up the tab for his care. Just as I'm sure he paid no taxes on the income he received from his followers. But Allah knows best.
It seems to me, if anyone in Sidi's group takes his or her Islam seriously, it is incumbent on them to speak out, or else to admit their own Islam or Sufism to be mistaken or flawed.
What will it be, Brothers and Sisters? Is this person a TRUE REPRESENTATIVE of ISLAM? Who never repented of his violations of the chastity of the women he influenced, or seduced, or (politely) offered to other males?
WHO WAS SIDI? A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY
His working career in Palestine traces back to being an official in the Jordanian Waqf--the entity responsible for maintaining Islamic buildings, administration and laws in the Occupied West Bank on behalf of the Jordanian government.
After he came to America, beginning in 1994, he became known for aggressive donation-seeking--both directly for his own 'expenses' and indirectly for 'widows and orphans' he purported to support.
He additionally allowed himself to be attached to pyramid schemes promoted by his followers that were later shut down by law enforcement, and alternative health products and 'energy healings' with hefty price tags and of dubious value .
He became increasingly infamous for his rumored liaisons with his female followers. While none of these may EVER be directly verified, in this observer's opinion, "where there is smoke, there is fire".
In Sidi's case, there was a forest fire's worth of smoke.
The accusations are just too numerous and frequent to brush off as intentional fictions.
WHAT IS A 'TWIN FLAME?'
I'd be more than willing to print any 'comment' below in defense of Sidi on these accounts.
------
* Fuqara, plural of 'fakir', meaning 'humble or poor in spirit' . Thus, a 'fuqara' commonly denotes the group of Sufi practitioners pertaining to a given order or Sheik.
*Although we were all given actual Arabic initiatory names, in this blog I've used pseudonyms for the main characters. I'm 'Yunis', my former wife is 'Aisha', my younger daughter is Zooey, older daughter is Theresa, and my Son is Ibrahim.
*The Shandilya Order is one of the largest in the Sufi World, with millions of disciples from Pakistan to Morocco. There are many different lineages within the Order, and there is no centralized authority or 'Grand Sheikh' -- the breathless assertions of many of Sidi's followers to the contrary.
****Arguably, Elijah Muhammad, the founder of The Nation of Islam/Black Muslims, and his followers such as Malcomb X, Muhammad Ali, and Louis Farrakhan, had a much greater impact on the spread of Islam, albeit a splinter-group version of it, amongst Black Americans.
Fascinating. Thanks for this.
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