Why Me? (Preface) - An Ex-Cultist's Lament!

At Times, Sidi's Gatherings Resembled an 
Old-School Quack Medicine Show!

I didn't want to keep DEALING with this material. I hoped that everyone, including me, would just move on.

But despite his death over a decade ago,  Sidi's actions and appearances still cast a shadow over my life and virtually everybody I cared about.

And I didn't WANT to publicize my feelings about it all because:

1.) It was such a LONG story with so many moving parts, and

2.) I expect those who had never heard about Sidi to be shocked at me,  and those who were disciples to be angry and

3.) It's embarrassing and humiliating to talk about it.  Both in terms of what Sidi asked us to do AND the fact that my boundaries were so weak that I went along with it, and

4.) It's kind of hard to explain how I got into a cult-addicted mindset. So, I hardly ever talked about it.

5.) It's not easy to present a counter-narrative when there are so many fawning reviews about Sidi from his flock.  

6.) When they get hurt,  most people just want to run away and BE DONE WITH IT.   They don't want to stick around and be vulnerable a SECOND TIME by warning off newcomers!

I'd Casually Played A Role In Sidi's USA  Appearances

7.) I was also ashamed to admit that, in one sense, Sidi's 'American Diaspora' began with a lie I had told.

I casually 'gave my word' that the initial member of Sidi's family to come to America—whom I sponsored—would depart before his visa expired.

I KNEW this was a false statement when I made it at the US Consulate in Jerusalem.  

Yet I made it anyway.  

I also regretted subjecting other spiritual seekers to the uneven morality of a 'cult leader' who seemed to 'go off the deep end'.

Especially with regard to his frequent donation-seeking and 'Stranger-Marrying' episodes.  

This isn't to say that he didn't perhaps have what he thought were noble purposes, as well. He just never admitted his baser ones and created an aura of 'Spiritual Extraordinariness' around himself.

Which led people to revere HIM rather than Allah!

And Allah, it turns out, REALLY HATES IT when people start worshipping 'Partners' instead of Him.***

After 1995 and my divorce from Aisha,  I was no longer in the center of the action.  

Although I DID keep up, indirectly, thru my kids and my interactions with Sidi's family in the US.

As someone with a degree in Religious Studies, a recent course of study in Modern Standard Arabic, and a lifelong history of spiritual seeking,  I took a special interest in this, my longest, although only quasi-voluntary, cultic commitment.

I never went to Sidi's US Headquarters -  the Pope Valley Zawiya.  

It may have served some redeeming purpose for some. I never met Ibrahim Jaffee or other leaders of the 'Energy Healing' set.

Sidi probably also struggled with dementia in his final years.

I even saw him in his LAST DAYS on earth - lying unconscious, after a stroke, in the ICU of Marin General Hospital

Ironically, this hospital was where I had only recently spent many long days in the final years of my own parents' lives.

I just couldn't ESCAPE this guy!!

           Sidi's Suddenly-Arranged Marriages', persisted

                       and became more random.

And the worst of his practices, his 'Suddenly-Arranged Marriages', persisted and became more random.

I remember that in the early years in Jerusalem, finding a suitable match between 'Beloveds' sometimes took years.   In those cases, SOME attention was given to the respective ages and attributes of the two prospects.  

Once Sidi got to America, it no longer seemed to matter WHO they were or WHAT stage of involvement in the fuqara* they were in.  

 

I wondered how those people made clear-headed decisions amidst the cultic, Sufi Woodstock atmosphere that permeated Sidi's gatherings. 

This is especially true given all the trappings of 'conversion' Westerners outfitted themselves in in terms of clothing, time-consuming obligatory prayers, Arabic names, Arabic foods, etc.

Things that were just ho-hum accoutrements of life to Arabs became ARTICLES OF WONDER to the newly-initiated Westerners.

All of these suggest the exciting prospect of entering a glittering new beginning of one's life, whole of new friends and Spiritual Miracles!

Versus the dreary disappointments and traumas of one's personal past and the weary anticipation of 'more of the same' that our minds tend to make.

Those could be whisked away by joining Sidi & his fuqara's Magic Carpet Ride!  

Anyway, that's how I felt about it.  

I was always a sucker for the trappings of cultic spiritual life - Flowers, incense, bells, and a ready-made new community of 'brothers and sisters' welcoming me in!

I wasn't precisely ENROLLED  with the 'Instant Spiritual Marriage' Phenomenon - especially when it was inflicted on ME!.  

But I was somehow.... FLATTERED?  Was that the right word?

Suddenly, this NEW CREW of people, (well, it was just a small handful, actually), was MAKING A BIG DEAL about me.  

I didn't want to disappoint them or MISS OUT on all the INCREDIBLE CHANGES life would offer me if I stuck with the group!!

I Gambled My Freedom and Lost...AGAIN!

In fact, I gave away my freedom, just as I had done earlier with the Hare Krishna Movement.

Or let's say.  I GAMBLED and LOST my freedom.  AGAIN!

It really SADDENS me to come to that conclusion.

And the Strange Thing IS...that my future partner AISHA JOINED ME in this casino! 

She 'lost her life,' too.  We both gave UP our power of decision over the direction of our lives and primary relationships in a way that was neither necessary nor advisable.

Sidi should have TOLD US it was just a gamble, that we were basically just a RANDOM COUPLE who had no greater chance of staying together happily than any other random couple, except that we both had some level of loyalty to Sidi.

When Sidi started encouraging us to marry, it had only been 2-3 weeks since I had met him. That was pretty rushed.

But Sidi STILL implied the marriage was ORDAINED.  It was FROM ALLAH.  

And I BELIEVED that Sidi was too much of a good Muslim to lie!

People!

My final reason for silence was from a kind of compassion for Aisha.

At least on the surface, her whole reason for living was to promote Sidi's teachings. 

On a deeper level, I think she used that 'temporary position' as an 'excuse' not to have a life.

IN PARTICULAR, to not have a SHARED LIFE with another adult.  AS WOULD SEEM to be the obligation of ANYONE ELSE who was involved with Sidi.

Today, I'm more concerned for the rest of us.  My son, in particular.

And the rest of us who are stuck in the 'grey area' between tolerating and exposing the cultism of others - particularly if they are family members.

Is it any of our business?  In my case, I would say, 'Yes, it IS!'

Because my children, and one of them especially, have suffered and are still suffering because 'my' cultic family member won't budge.

She won't 'fess up' to being an actual, live, human being with a human story.  She lives in an etherealized version of Reality where nobody else can breathe the air.

Something like that, anyway.

On the day of my first college Religious Studies course, the Instructor read a collection of quotes from, 1.) Mystical writers, and 2.) People under the Influence of Drugs, and 3.) People who were Insane.

As it turned out, we rarely guessed correctly.  And the 'Craziest' responses were actually the ones from famous mystics.

WHAT WAS SIDI REALLY UP TO?

Delivering the entire scope of Sidi's double-sided manifestation in just a few words is challenging.

So, I plan to TELL IT ALL I KNOW and let the reader decide what matters or not. It may get wordy.

And I pledge to be HONEST. The FACTS are startling enough. And, like all human beings, Sidi had two sides to him. At least.

And much of what APPEARS to be Sidi's story was, in my case, what his FOLLOWERS MADE OF HIM!

Whether or not my blog 'saved' anybody else, I had to write it to live with myself. 

And more important than that- to MOVE ON from my silent, 'safe' moral relativism.

To his credit, Sidi NEVER asked ME or Aisha for money.

Also to Sidi's credit, throughout the 1980s and early 1990s, when I went there, he treated us like members of his own family whenever we visited him. 

It was a live-in, multi-cultural experience of day-to-day Palestinian culture at Jerusalem's epicenter of the Abrahamic faiths.

ALL ABOARD 'Sidi's Magic Carpet Ride' !! 

An engaging anthropological experience, which I am grateful for, especially as an amateur student of religion.

As far as my grievances are concerned, I can't ever get an answer to the question.  "WHY?"   

Why did Sidi so aggressively seek to convert and marry us?  As well as dozens of other Western couples.

Was the motive mainly of  'Islamic conversion'?  

In the same way that every Muslim is supposed to make the Greater Jihad (struggle) --namely that of  (non-violently) 'converting' others?  

And by marrying people off, was he making it more likely that the resulting marriage would be more linked to Islam/Sufism to survive?   Yeah, probably.  And produce future young Muslims? Maybe.

Or was he thinking about the future, when one of his sons might have a chance with one of the women of the Western fuqara or one of the Westerners' children?

This did indeed happen.  Was that part of the plan all along, maybe subconsciously?

I'm just trying to figure out a reason here.  I don't know the answers.

I will never know unless someone who heard him talking about it comes forward.

I know some of  these Sufi Sheikhs are fascinated by marriage and getting young women married.

 

 Listen to this young woman's story. It's so AWFUL!   I actually met the Skeikh she mentioned.  He was one of the most America-positive ones, but I'm very disappointed in him.

(Another 'Sufi Order' Based in California and Michigan)

It's indefensible for men to offer their daughters to other, older men. 

And Sufism is supposed to be about a more 'enlightened' stance towards God. 

Why are women traded like FARM ANIMALS by some Sufi Guides? 

Anyone can quickly validate (or not) most of what I've said here by simply questioning the people still living who were involved.  Go ahead—DO IT!

In fact, I challenge anyone to provide an alternate history.  I'd be happy to add it here.

And if you are one of Sidi's defenders- don't worry!  I don't plan to spend the rest of my days on the 'anti-cult' lecture circuit.

One expose' is enough, already!  The guy IS dead, after all!

Your comments are welcome and appreciated.  I'm happy to be corrected.  Or congratulated.

And I genuinely hope anybody who doesn't deserve to be hurt... isn't!

Good day, and good luck!

_____________________________

*Fuqara - plural of 'Fakir', a poor person, but typically by choice in terms of being anti-materialistic.  The plural often refers to a particular specific group of 'fakirs.' We called all other members of Sidi's order 'the fuqara,' which meant our particular group rather than the much larger collectivity of every fakir on earth.

**'Spiritual Persona' - The term 'persona' is from the Greek which means 'mask'. In this case, it implies that Sidi made a division between the Islamic Cleric manifestation and his Everyman/Ordinary Palestinian manifestation.  I am not sure that such a distinction exists in his case.  I never saw him drop the 'holy man' thing, even when he was digging out his own home's sewer with his bare hands! To understand his motives is beyond my capacity. I can only report his words and actions, and the reactions of others to them.  He reminded me of  a more subdued Zorba  the Greek, ie. someone who was incapable of admitting his own guilt or that he made a mistake, at least in a public forum. He was always 'on.'  To use his own words he was, "A son of his own moment."

***9:31: "They have taken their scholars and monks as lords besides God, and also the Messiah, the son of Mary. And they were not commanded except to worship one God; there is no god except Him."